"Letters and Questions from Readers"

Born again in a much deeper, more real way.

Hi Joel and Kathy,

Good things are happening around here! My husband and
I were both surprised at how difficult it has been for
him to hear my heart.

There was much more hurt in there than my husband had
anticipated. He kind of thought, " Oh, this will be a
piece of cake".

My husband shares that he feels as though he has been
born again. Everything in his Christianity is
becoming new. Some day I hope he tells you about it.
I want him to share with you. (Note from Joel: We
often tell men that they have to "really" get born
again.. that their born-again experience stopped at
the outside of their front door! I felt like Bess''s
husband.. that I had gotten totally born again - but
it was not until 18 years after I asked Jesus into my
heart!)

As for me, I keep asking him, "Is this real, do you
mean it?"

Just last night as he was giving me a back message I
began to tear up. I told him that his touch was
bringing healing to my heart.

Also, it is a little difficult for me to realize that
I was not wrong all these years. My desires for our
marriage and for how to serve the Lord were not wrong.
This brings so much hope to me and to my husband.

Some day, we will have a ministry. Praise God! Joel
and Kathy, you are bearing good fruit with this
ministry and message that the Lord has given to you to
give.

God bless and love in Christ,

Bess (and Norm)

P.S. That Pastor''s wives'' web site was so sad.
http://www.rockdove.com/pwsupprt.html
I can''t even read it. My husband has been reading to
see just how much damage that Christian men are doing
to their wives and to learn the hurts that are in
Christian women. He wants to understand to never hurt
me again. (Note from Joel and Kathy: What a smart
husband!)
--

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Healing Emotions

Hi Kathy,

This was a great message and very nice to hear from
you. (Referring to the newsletter: "It is my turn now"
from Kathy)

I am so hoping that I too will get past the pain of
remembering and truly move on.

My husband and I are both very hopeful. Things are
looking good.

Every time I start to get all weepy or angry etc. we
hang tight and go for the ride until it passes. This
is something new for both my husband and myself.

In the past whenever I would go through emotional
struggles my husband would take charge and talk me out
of it, etc. He was thinking that was what he was
supposed to do.

It is a new thing for the both of us to just allow me
to vent and for my husband to simply validate my
feelings and continue to love me through it.

Praise God, we are both learning and growing in this
new teaching and understanding.

In Christ,

Bess (and Norm)

2 Corinthians 10:12
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

After reading these most recent letters sent to us by Joel over the last two days my husband mentioned to me this morning, " Well honey, it could be worse, you could be married to _________(fill in the blank).

I retorted back, "Well, so could you, I haven't committed adultery or left you, and besides the bible tells us not to compare ourselves to one another, only Jesus is our standard, we are to compare ourselves to Him and then we all come short".

I just wanted to remind all of us reading these letters to be careful. The goal is to see men become like Christ and then the women. We are all here to learn and grow and to pray. It is a huge mistake to compare ourselves to others for the better or worse. That is always wrong and will lead to defeat. Jesus is Lord! IN Christ, Bess

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19th August 2006
This is a letter from Bess. Thanks Bess! This is GREAT!


I hope that it is OK for me to share an issue that had come up between me and my sweet hubby. Although my husband had been calling me gorgeous, beautiful, luscious, pretty, etc., it fell on deaf ears. He was often frustrated and puzzled at my rejection of his compliments. I shared with him that he always gave me compliments with a silent disclaimer. I was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough, I was pretty, but not pretty enough, I was sexy, but not sexy enough. He always had this playboy standard and image in his mind that I knew he had and that I could not and would not ever measure up to.
I told him that I needed to be good enough. I needed for him to be fully and completely devoted to me as I am right now. I can't be perfect. I am a woman in my 40's with 12 children. I want to be his special treasure. This convicted my husband. He did not deny that he had been doing that to me and placing that kind of pressure on me.
Now when he compliments me I have been accepting them because I know that he has made a committment to give them with "no disclaimer". Praise God!

19th aug
Sent: Friday, August 18, 2006 8:15 AM
Subject: Question for Bess

Question from a (worried) husband!

How did she know this?
Was this because of the way he said it? or how frequent just woman's intuition ?
I think we are all guilty of some form of silent ad ons and our wives are very perceptive, more than we give them credit for.
I am concerned that we are trying to be loving kind considerate and listening to where the need is but at the same time we are sending out completely an unwanted set of unspokens that our wives pick up on instantly.

Answer from Bess:

This is a loaded question and I have been thinking all morning how to answer. Are you willing to ask your wife when was the very first time that you ever hurt her in this area. I can remember in the very first weeks of our marriage my husband rubbed his hand across my nude belly and said, " I want this to be flat". I never forgot those hurtful words. Thus ensued a lifetime project for me to try to achieve a flat tummy (remember I am the mother of 12, interpretation- 12 pregnacies). Do you see a flat tummy in this picture? Has your wife ever found porn in or among your personal belongings? Do you watch t.v. shows or movies with obviously beautiful sexy women? What things might you have said to her over the years that may have implied your disatisfaction with her physical appearance or her sexuality? (If you are truly clueless then ask her and then let her tell you).

A challenge to the men. Jesus warned his disciples that whoever sets his hand to the plow and looks back is not worthy. The apostle James reminds us that a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways and will recieve nothing from the Lord. ( And Norm laughingly says, "and nothing from his wife either!) If you are going to be heading toward this path that Joel and kathy have set before you are you truly prepared to take it all the way to the cross? Your cross. Your death. Don't make this a game. Your wife will know.

-----------------------------------------------

Hey Joel and Kathy, here is an email that I had sent to Norm a few days ago. Thought it may help others to see what a woman may be feeling inside while she is opening up past hurts and feelings. We (me in particular) were going through a rough time.

----- Original Message -----
From: Bess
To: Norm
Sent: Monday, August 21, 2006 8:08 AM
Subject: To my sweetheart!

Hi lover, please help me to heal by staying strong for me. I need you during these difficult times. I love you and I need you everyday. Forever your love, Bess

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Note from Joel. Many times a wife will be afraid that if she expresses too much hurt and disappointment, that her husband will give up and backslide. This is a nice note that expresses a world of emotion. Men, you need to reassure your wives CONSTANTLY that you WANT them to unload on you emotionally. Assure her that though it is difficult for you and causes you to die inside - that you want her to feel free to say whatever she needs to say, whenever she wants to say it - so that she can get closure and you can grow up. Assure her that there is NOTHING that she could say or do that would drive you away - she is safe to express anything and you will not leave her.

For some of you guys who were more abusive, be VERY careful how you say, "There is NOTHING that you could say or do to drive me away." That might come across as a "stalker" threat instead of a loving and compassionate reassurance. So, adjust your words accordingly. This is the world you created and you have to be careful as you seek to repair it!

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy

Hi Joel and Kathy, I want to share with you a situation that has come up with us. Joel, in your DVD seminar you told the men that if they are loving their wife and doing what they need to be doing for her and she has a situation that she is not overcoming then she will call a girlfriend for prayer and counsel.

Well, that is just what happened with me. I had not even realized it until after I called the friend and got the counsel and advice. I was just stalemated and unable to get past a very bad attitude toward Norm even though he was validating my feelings and loving me. Finally out of desperation I made contact with a woman counsellor on line. She helped me to see my way through my circumstances and to come reason with my feelings. Like I said I did not even remember your words on the DVD about such a situation until after I got the counsel and talked to Norm about it. Praise God, Joel you are so right about your counsel to men. Guys, God is faithful. Do your part and the Lord will do His!

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Dear Joel and Kathy,

What about the husband who is abusive to wife and kids? What about the husband with a criminal past that yet haunts him and the addiction that he still struggles with? What about the wife who no longer has passion for her husband? What can be done for them?

"Wondering"

Hi “Wondering”,

It would take a long time to address these questions afresh. You will find answers to all of these questions on the questions and answers section of the web page along with the testimony page and in our first book. Just start reading.

As far as the passion, any wife will have her passion re-ignited if her husband gets rid of his other issues, (issues as the ones you refer to) and treats his wife like a queen.

If your husband has the issues you described, your question about passion is a moot point. You cannot have passion for an abuser who is addicted to drugs or alcohol etc. Even God would not want you to have passion for him outside of helping him to get help!

A woman can only have passion in RESPONSE to her husband's love as described in the Solomon and Queen Sheba letter. If your husband is giving you nothing to respond to, then God has not given you a well to magically draw passion up from in the face of abuse. We believe that for God to do this would only be encouraging your husband to further perpetuate the abuse.

That would be referred to as “enabling.” An abusive husband does not need passion from his wife. He needs to be confronted by knowledge from a book, if he will receive it, or he needs to be confronted by someone he respects. If he receives correction, repents and seeks to become Christ like, then your passion will be stirred up toward him.

Hope this helps!

Joel and Kathy

------------------------------------------------

The books arrived today - thanks for the prompt shipment.

My wife and I are currently separated after 21 years of marriage. No adultery or any kind of sexual sin, and no abuse; just me not listening to her heart. She moved out this past weekend. I had always been taught (wrongly now, I see) to take my wife's input, but that the responsibility to make the final decision rests on the husband's shoulders. I have always helped around the house and with the kids, and did not buy into the "I am the king of the castle, and the wife must submit" theory or practice.

We have agreed to start "dating" again; we had our first "date night" last Sunday night over coffee, and had great conversation. Through a conference we went to, I have finally experienced forgiveness from the guilt and shame I have carried from childhood for not living a more "perfect" life. I have learned to forgive myself.

My question is this: how should I proceed? Should I read the book first, and work on me, should I invite her to read it together with me, or what?

Thanks in advance for your input and prayers for us.

Blessings, - Kevin

Hi Kevin,

You reading it and giving her a copy is generally best. Reading it together may be a bit intense... As you read, you will be working on yourself. As your wife reads, she will be getting validated and healed... It sounds like you two are on a good track. Don't be surprised if your wife says that the book reminds her a lot of your relationship. Remember.. a husband should never rely on his own opinion of the relationship, he should rely on her opinion of how things are going.

I assume you are both born again?

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy Davisson

Greetings from Joel and Kathy!

We received a letter today from Randy. Rand y and his wife Susan have had some serious problems over the years, not the least of which has been that they each committed adultery at least once.

Randy has been trying to win his wife’s heart back but Susan is very wounded from the years of problems. They each read “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!” a few months ago and Randy feels like they have hit a brick wall.

This letter and our reply is Golden. We asked Randy if we could use excerpts from his letter along with our responses to help others. He said th at would be fine. We cannot spend this much time answering every individual letter but his letter was so important and needed serious attention. His permission to publish it to help YOU or someone you love validated the hours that we spent preparing the reply to his letter.

Here it is:


Hi Randy,

You said:

My problem is that my wife is very often cold and sometimes verbally abusive.... She has been this way pretty much since we had our first child. I still love her very much and would love if we could have that outrageously happy marriage you speak of in your book.

I must admit that I have not always been the man that God has called me to be. Once we had our children I became a workaholic in order to make ends meet. I have always been that way. Much of my work has required that I be out of town all week and only be home on the weekends.

Just to help with the clarity.

Patty became verbally abusive after the first child... about the same time that you became workaholic. (from my reading).

My guess is that as a young husband, you were probably fairly clueless about supporting a young mother. She was knocked off balance by your lack of nurture and support toward her as a wife and mother.

You became a workaholic after you secured her as your wife and had that first child… so your attention went to other things.

It was her job to focus on the kids and home… and your job to go and conquer the world.

Your wife had the wind knocked out of her and became desperate.

She was never ''on balance'' and therefore became out of hand in the verbal department.

She was a young, violated wife who was treated unfairly and she acted out in a bad way. This is very normal. Sad, but normal.

Had you been a supportive husband and understood her feeling of abandonmen t, betrayal and her feeling of being treated unfairly in the relationship, you could have changed then and ministered to her; and lived happily ever after.

You, like I and most other husband were completely clueless though.

You thought that your wife had serious issues and that you were doing your job perfectly as a husband and father because a man is supposed to go out and do the "hunting" while the wife stays home to tend to the kids and home life.

She is supposed to give him total admiration, praise and respect because of his hard work and she is to be the totally content hous ewife and mom who is so grateful to be married to a hard working husband.

You might ask her to go back in her mind and help you remember what you were like when the first child was born.

Did you leave the pressure on her?

Did she need you to make her feel beautiful but you failed to do so?

These are important questions.

My guess is that your being out of town was a huge issue.

Did your wife ask you at the time to be home more often?

Did she tell you that it was not right that you were gone all week leaving her with the responsibility of the kids?

If so, in her mind it would be "Yeah, great. AFTER you quit the job you apologize; after the deed is done.

It is hard for a wife to feel like her husband is sincere if in your situation you resisted her need to have you at ho me for years... and then later wanted to make it all better with a simple apology.

You said:

To make a long story short, I foolishly had a short affair seven years into our marriage and never told my wife about it.

When you were out of town, did Susan have questions about your faithfulness?

Did she express these questions?

If so, I assume you denied any unfaithfulness?

My guess is that for the full amount of time that you were on the road you were indeed unfaithful... not only in the one affair but also in the things that you watched on TV, and the places that you went to kill time.

Even without other actual affairs, my guess is that you regularly connected with other women emotionally while on the road, seeing if you would get a rise out of them.. . in an attempt to develop an emotional connection which would hopefully lead to something physical.

My guess is that you were really out "playing" while your wife was at home saddled with the kids.

These wounds are probably still alive and well in Susan''s heart. She could feel your unfaithfulness in her heart. It was a daily companion though she may not have been able to label it as such. She just ''knew'' something was ''wrong''.

You said:

My wife had an affair with our church choir director 4 years ago. At the time, he was a trusted friend of mine. It absolutely devastated me.

Oh, poor baby.

You were "devastated" after your wife had an affair?

Ten years AFTER you had one yourself?

What "devastated" you was that she was doing something that wa s "out of your site". This had nothing to do with her adultery. How could it? You did the same thing.

Your ''devastation'' goes much deeper than this.

It was because she got out of your line of sight and did something that made you feel like you were losing her. You will understand this more in a few minutes.

When you were out "playing" and knew that she was saddled down with kids you were quite content to be out exploring your world and meeting people ie: other women. You were having fun "conquering" the world of work in whatever line of work you were in.

All the time you were able to assure yourself that Susan was safe at home, straddled down with the kids. You KNEW that she could not do anything that you did not know about.

In essence, you were secure at all times that she was right where she "needed" to be.... at home with the kids.

When a young child is crawling and beginning to explore his/her world, they want to get down out of mommy''s arms. They want to crawl away and begin to explore.... touching things, putting things in their mouths, looking at pretty colors.

When the child is about four feet away from mom, he will turn around and look for her. If she is sitting in her chair watching him, he is content and happy. So he crawls further. After four more feet, he turns to look again. If she is there, he continues to crawl and begins his journey of exploration of his world.

As long as he knows that mommy is right where he left her... sitting in the chair, then he feels safe and secure and confidently goes to conquer all of the new and exciting discoveries in the world around him.

What happens when this child looks back for that reassuring view of mommy and the chair is empty?

Panic sets in.

Everything stops.

He begins to cry, to lift his hands up and cry "mommy....... "

Nothing can console the child until Mommy is back, holding him in her arms.

As soon as this happens, the child relaxes and wants back onto the floor. His world is safe. Mommy assured him of her love and he is now safe to begin exploring ag ain.

He restlessly communicates that he wants to be back on the floor and the journey begins again. He looks back and sees mommy in the chair. All is well.

This is why men do what you did. They get married, create babies and then conveniently create a life where they can go out and play while they know that "mommy" is at home with the kids.

When she is not doing exactly what he wants her to be doing, he flips out, just like he did when he was a little child crawling on the floor.

So, you went and played. You went and had an affair. As long as you knew where mommy was and what she was doing, all was well; you were content.

Your wife responded to what you were doing and not doing and then she had an affair.

Yes, she knew you were being unfaithful in her "woman''s intuition."

She was reacting not only to the unfaithfulness but also to the neglect and passion she saw that you had for everything else that came before her in your heart.

The NORMAL reaction would have been for you to say,

"Sweetheart, I am sorry that this happened. We need to get away as a family to recover. Sure, it might be bad that you had an affair but our problems are much worse than that. I had one 14 years ago and thought it would be best to hide it.... but in light of what you just did, you need to know that I am just as guilty as you. Let''s seek God and figure out how to fall back in love with each other again."

Instead, you acted out at your emotional age.... threatening suicide, feeling suicidal. Poor me. Mommy did something that was out of my site.... and my world is no longer safe. < /span>

Now you are trying desperately to get Susan back into your heart and you into hers and she is not buying it.

The question is this: Are you trying to win her heart so that you can go out and play again once you feel safe and secure with her? Or have you matured beyond that?

This is a question for Susan, and Susan alone to answer. You cannot know this yourself. You of course are confident that you have matured beyond your issues.... a normal guy concept of himself.

Susan KNEW in her heart for the years that you were on the road that you were being emotionally unfaithful. Women can tell. She probably also could tell that ''something'' more was wrong during the time that you had the affair.

Again, my guess is that she probably said things to suggest that these things might be going on. You probably assured her that nothing was going on.... it was all her imagination. You possibly acted righteously indignant and "hurt" that she would ''mistrust'' you in that manner.

The suicide "threat" is an abusive husband action. "I have the power of life and death and if you don''t act the way that I want you to, I will use it."

The hidden message is, "I have the power over life and death.... it might be my life... or it could be YOURS."

Thus the abusive man intimidates his wife and kids. His wife and children are afraid of him. This same man is often the one who will break things in the home (Not his things mind you. He will break her things, the kids'' things or things that are special or owned by them as a couple) or he will abuse a pet or kill a pet.

You did not say that you did these type of things.... they would just be normal actions for a man who did what you did with your affair and then the "re action" of feeling suicidal in response to her having of an affair.

You said,

The discovery of her affair followed about a year of terrible treatment towards me including her watching TV in bed to force me to sleep in the guest room. I became quite verbally abusive at the time and also physically pushed her around when I found out. It was terrible.

Why did she treat you so bad?

Women KNOW inside their hearts that they enter into an affair in response to their husband being a disaster. She got into her affair and you blamed HER! The paradox is that you probably blamed her for your affair too!

In Hosea, even GOD says that he does not hold wives responsible for committing adultery but he holds husbands responsible for their wives affairs. Why? Because the men were committing adultery first or putting other things above their commitment to God and to their wives. In other words, they had false idols in their lives. They commit harlotry literally or symbolically and their wives react by doing the same thing. God says it is the husband''s fault.

So, whe n you found out about the adultery...... and then blamed HER, of course she would respond by treating you horribly. You should thank God every day that you are married and not dead!

(People Magazine front cover last week:"Why did Mary do it?" Mary of course being the Pastor''s wife who shot her husband.)

Your wife responded to you by committing adultery. Mary shot her husband!

I cannot express to you how deeply you violated your wife when you attacked her about committing the adultery.

The truth is sad; she may never recover.

You have ONE JOB for the rest of your life.... and that is to dedicate yourself to bringing about her healing. If you can ever do this, you can have a happy marriage. If you cannot ever accomplish this, you have to accept it as a fruit of the seeds you have sown. The Holy Spirit will help you and Susan by minimizing the bad fruit.

Your focus needs to be on becoming the man that God has called you to become, which is Christlike. If you EVER bring healing to Susan and you have a happy marriage, then you can take pride in the fact that you have reached that goal of becoming Christlike. Th e proof that you have arrived will be your happy marriage and the fact that Susan will be totally healed, secure, happy, content and madly in love with you!

You said,

"I am too young to be living like a senior citizen."

You are still in the "poor me" stage.

This is not about you Randy. This is about Susan.< /div>

You devastated Susan.

This is about her getting healed.

You said:

"About 2 years ago the conviction in my heart was so great that I told my wife about my affair 21 years ago. I really want us to be open and honest with each other. Needless to say she was devastated. She holds the fact that I didn''t confess my sin at the same time I discovered her sin but at the time I was close to su icide and not thinking rationally."

Do you notice that your "confession" had NOTHING to do with Susan and her well being?

It was all about YOU. It was your conscience that was bothering you. Your confession was for your benefit.. not hers!

Even you said, "needless to say she was devastated."

Yeah.... you caused her hell for a year for doing something that you yourself were guilty of. She is married to a king of hypocrites! Remember? The hypocrites wanted to stone a woman for doing the very thing they themselves were guilty of.

I cannot imagine that you have FULLY repented for these things.

The proof is that your wife has not felt that you have changed. I addressed the suicide comment already so I won''t repeat myself.

You said:

Anyway, I have always tried to treat her like my queen.

Randy, this is not true. You neglected your wife and committed adultery. You did not always treat her like your queen!

You said:

and have now been obsessed with (treating her like a queen) for many months now after reading your book. I have asked her time and time again if I am meeting her needs. Often she doesn''t have much of a response. I compliment her as much as I can. I hold doors for her. I take her out to dinner. Recently, I took her to Italy for our anniversary. She has little desire for me. She says she doesn''t feel like making love. Lat ely she has been blaming her lack of desire on menopause, although this has pretty much been a given all through our marriage. My wife is absolutely beautiful. She is 48 but looks about 38. The only physical relations we have are in the pitch black maybe once every 2 weeks. No adventurous stuff here, and no talking about it either. All she wants to do is watch TV when we are in bed, then go to sleep.

So, she is not healed yet of the abuse that she has endured. That is understandable. Your job is to bring her that healing. You are working toward it and if you stay on the path, the healing will come. It is amazing that we guys who have beautiful wives wound them so deeply.

Your wife obviously had a desir e and enjoyed making love in the VERY beginning of your marriage. She lost interest after having the first child and you began pursuing other interests in life, leaving her feeling left out and abandoned.

You said:

This is killing me. I love her and want to treat her like my queen but I feel like a doormat. She is not responding. Lately I have been having a very difficult time not feeling resentment towards her. I have tried to calmly tell her how I feel but she always seems to escalate the conversation into her screaming voice.

Okay... that is a good thing. You were supposed to have "died" when you received Christ.

Like most of us guys, you are anything but dead. You are alive and well. So, we get to learn to die by laying our lives down for our wives to meet their needs.

In reality, this paragraph reveals a continuation of the "poor me" attitude.

Do you see how this is all about you... how you fe el... you are trying to tell her how YOU feel, you are trying to not feel resentment toward her.... you feel like a doormat...

I do not see a lot of stuff here about how deeply you know that you destroyed your wife as a woman and wife by your actions of the past and the deep wounding that she has because her dream of a wonderful and happy marriage to a great guy was so destroyed.

I see in the above excerpt that you are trying to tell her how you feel... like you think that she cares!

This leads us to the next excerpt from your letter:

She grew up with a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father and 3 older brothers. Needless to say she learned to dislike the opposite sex early. She seems to project these abusive non Christ-like traits into me even though I know I am not that way. She says that she’s afraid of me. When I ask her why, she can''t really tell me. She just doesn''t seem to be able to trust her man and truly let her guard down.

Oh, so your marriage issues are really HER fault? She is wrongfully projecting unChristlike attitudes onto you? The problem is her childhood? Sorry. You yourself said that you were abusive to her after the adultery.

I cannot imagine a greater example of emotional abuse than to do what you did to your wife. Of course she is afraid of you. She is not projecting abusive behavior onto you... you abused her and she does not feel like you have ever fully repented.

Of course she cannot fully let her guard down and trust her.

You proved that you were totally untrustworthy. Would YOU want to be hurt again if you were violated as deeply as she was?

Think about it: You committed adultery, pushed her into responding by getting into adultery herself and then abused her horribly by blaming her... all the while knowing full well that you did the same thing yourself.

Then you finally tell her about it years later at a time when it could do the most damage... and you told her about it NOT with the intent to help her... but with the intent to ease YOUR conscience. It is all about YOU!

You are really not much different than the average guy. You are trying... but you are just really clueless about your wife (or any other woman) and what makes her tick.

If someone were to come along and take a shotgun and point it at you and blow you away.... just enough to put you in intensive care.... and succeeded in maiming you for life.... and at the same time they shot your children, you would be pretty upset to say the least.

Let''s imagine that a few years later they came and said they were sorry because their conscience was bothering them. They move in next door and try to build a friendship.

You however want nothing to do with them except to tolerate them. They should be glad that you do not buy a gun and shoot them!

The next thing you know, they come over and want to tell you how bad it makes them feel that you do not want to be best friends. They feel bad that you don''t "trust" them.

Then they go to counselors and drag you along. They tell the counselors that you have issues with trust; you do not know how to open your heart to develop friendships; and that your issues stem from problems in your childhood when your elementary school f riends abused and rejected you.

The counselor would look at them like they are complete and total idiots!

Helloooo! This is exactly what you are doing! You emotionally maimed your wife so horribly and it was a culmination of years of neglect, emotional abuse and your chasing after other women emotionally and at least one physically.

Now you want to blame HER for being afraid of you, not opening her heart to you fully and you want to say it is because she was a victim of abuse as a child!

Hello.... it is time to wake up. Randy.

Your heart is doing well to have read the book and put things into action but your understanding of how deeply you violated and wounded your wife is not even close to reality.

Your wife knows this and this is why she has not received "closure" "healing" and is why she is unable to forgive you to the extent that she gives herself to you in full abandon and trust.


Then you go on in your letter to say how you "end up feeling frustrated and d epressed because she does not seem to care that YOUR needs are not being met."

AGGHHHH!

As ludicrous as your position is of worrying about your needs being met, I will help you to analyze it:

You are seeing yourself as a reactor... which makes you a wife.

Remember, a husband is the initiator and a wife is the responder.

When you are responding, you are not acting as a husband.

In reality, your wife is in a responsive position. She is still responding to the past wounds and to the areas that she does not feel closure in. You initiated her actions... and now you are responding to her.

You have to take responsibility that your actions initiated her heart attitudes and bring closure and healing to her pain.

In truth, she probably has a huge internal rage about how unfairly you treated her concerning her adultery. How can you expect her to ever respond warmly to you? It is going to take a total miracle of God.... That miracle will come as you earn enough trust so that she will open her heart to you and reveal her pain and rage... so that you can bring closure to her.

You created this world that you are living in.

You are doing good in opening car doors, giving her flowers etc. and you should continue doing that. However, you have to convince her that it is safe for her to expose her true feelings of mistrust and hurt that you created when she committed adultery and you blamed her.

Have you ever taken full responsibility for her committing adultery? Sure, she has to clear her account with GOD for her sin in her heart but in your marriage, the fault lays squarely at your feet.

She committed adultery in response to your unfaithfulness as a husband. Her adultery sin is between her and God. How unfair for a woman to be pushed to adultery by her husband and then she has to take responsibility for her action... but that is a result of a man''s hard heart... and again, your wife is the victim.


You said that your two older daughters say you should leave because she is so cold to you.

How long have your two older daughters been married to qualify them to give you marriage advice? Have they been emotionally abused and neglected and dishonored by their husbands for years on end yet? I doubt it. They are still innocent and think dad is the hero for surviving their wounded mother.... who is wounded by everyone except their wonderful father.

You need to set your daughters straight and apologize to Susan and to them for allowing them to maintain their distorted view of reality.

To your credit, you said that you know that this is somehow your entire fault. When you said t hat, I can tell that you had no idea how it was your fault but that you at least were willing to acknowledge that it must be if someone could explain it to you.

Hopefully this letter has begun to give you that explanation.

Our next book will be covering many of the things that we have written about in this letter. You will want to order the DVD set from Bradenton.

We discuss these things in that seminar and you desperately need to understand them. A book that you also want to get immediately is "Discovering the Mind of a Woman" by Ken Nair. There is a companion book called "Discovering the Heart of a Man." It is also a good book for you to read to understand your own heart and motivations.

Susan will probably not want to read it and it would be offensive to her if you were to ask her to do so. She knows that you have caused the problems in your marriage and her heart is too wounded to want to venture into reading a book that would help her to understand you.

Fortunately, the bible tells husbands to understand their wives and not vice-versa. Someday she will be interested in reading the heart of a man book if you stay on this path of restoration.

Whatever you do, NEVER let anyone pressure her to read books that tell women that they need to offer their husbands unconditional respect, forgiveness and love. (I will not name the current popular titles since this letter is going out to 4500 people!)

Any book that puts the responsibility as 50/50 between a husband and wife needs to be burned in your home!

There may be a time for books like those someday and they won''t cause damage but for now, the responsibility is yours and yours alone to help Susan to trust you enough to open her heart to you and let you bring healing to her.

You said:

I love The Lord and want to follow his plan for my life. I serve in the music ministry in my church.

I do not get the connection. The Lord''s plan for your life is to meet your wife''s needs and bring healing to her for the wounding that you inflicted over your years. (Private note: Are you listening Alaska? and Kissimmee?) It is also to bring healing to your daughters'' confused hearts.

The Lord''s plan for your life has nothing to do with music in the church. That is something that you do for fun. It is a playground for you. There is nothing wrong with it but it does not have anything to do with the Lord''s plan for you as a man. (We ourselves Pastor a church but do not see that as very important in God''s plan for our lives. God''s number one plan for our lives is to reflect the HIS glory in our home!)

Then you said that Susan does not serve in the church. At least she is being honest! If she were to be serving in church, the hidden message is that she has a semblance of a good marriage relationship. She knows that is not true and does not want to misrepresent herself or your marriage.

No wonder she wants to go to a different church. She sees you up front leading the church by playing in the P and W team and yet she knows how angry, hurt and violated she still feels toward you.

Hi Susan: We hope that we have hit some nails on the head here in a way that has validated things that you have not been able to communicate to Randy and that this will give you a new platform to work from.

We want to thank you that you are still married to Randy even after all that you two have been through.

The ONLY suggestion that we would have for you right now is that you would try (even if you fail sometimes) to just speak clearly and directly to Randy. Tell him directly and clearly like we have in this letter why and where he is not seeing things clearly and let him know clearly the areas that are still open wounds of pain for you. (We are asking you to try speaking clearly and directly instead of screaming.. even though screaming is better than other alternatives.. so if screaming is the best that you can do then forget we even mentioned it!)

You will have some major areas of pain at first and if Randy is able to fully own them and you begin to feel some healing, then other areas of pain will emerge. You may feel like you will never get over all of the pain as each "next" wave of anger and hurt comes to the surface (kind of like "space invaders") but if Randy can handle his adult respo nsibility to comfort and apologize to you and bring healing to you in these areas, then you will eventually get healed up... and you will one day again have a desire for him.

Try this one on for size: How about the accusation that you think Randy is abusive... not because he has been abusive... but because you were abused when you were little! Wow. That is a monster mountain of unfairness to you. I used to do this same thing to Kathy and what a crock of injustice that was!

I was abusive and then I wanted to blame her extreme frustration and reactions on her childhood! AGGHH! I also am fortunate to be alive! Thank God that Randy and I did not get married to Mary!

Randy and Susan, You can come out onto the other side of this. Hopefully this letter is step one of a REAL new beginning.

Blessings to you!

Joel and Kathy

Well, Guess what? "Randy and Susan" attended our first intensive and got their miracle! Here are their testimonies:

Dear Joel & Kathy
,
This is just a quick note of sincere thanks and gratitude for allowing Susan & I to be a part of your marriage intensive weekend. What a wonderful way to bring in the New Year.

We both felt the hand of God was in the entire weekend.

As you know, I have read your books and feel that you are “right on the money” about the common misconceptions most men have (especially in the Christian Church) regarding what the Bible says about the marriage relationship.

The weekend with you and Kathy and the other couples brought me to an even further understanding of the importance men play as the “source of life” (or death) for a marriage.

It’s a major responsibility we men have to make sure that our wives and families are able to draw positive and nurturing love and kindness from us.

The only way for me to truly be the husband that my wife needs me to be is to die to myself, and my innate selfishness as Christ died for all of mankind. What an awesome truth from the word of God.

I’m excited to see Susan blossom once again as the beautiful self-confident woman she once was, the woman that I fell in love with and married 28 years ago. Already the change in her is obvious.

We will continue to work through our past issues that I have caused, and continue to see God’s hands work to bring full restoration to our marriage.

Blessings to both of you...

Randy

=============================== www.godsavemymarriage.com

Here is another letter from the intensive.. from Susan!

"Thank-You Joel and Kathy for a life changing weekend.

When I first read your book last year, it was like nothing I had ever read before. It was what I knew all my life was truth. That truth was in my heart, planted by my savior.

Thank you for presenting the truth in a way that couples in crisis can understand and apply in a very real way. I know we will make it, correct past mistakes - and have opportunity to share this message.

Most of all, thank you for your love and obedience to God."

Susan

Greetings Joel & Kathy,

What a pleasant surprise! All went well with getting your book through
amazon.com. This was actually my second copy of the book. I let someone
borrow the first one, and apparently they really like it because I've yet to
get it back. Instead of asking for it or waiting for it, I decided to bless
myself and your ministry by just purchasing another copy. I love it so much
that I've told several married women about the book, and have plans to
present it to the Praying Wives Ministry Bible Study that I'm apart of.

Kneeling In Order To Stand,
~Courtney

Dear Joel and Kathy.

Our church gave out your books as Christmas presents...

I've read it and am reading it again. My problem is an unsaved wife (I was backslid when we married twenty-four years ago , then came back to the Lord last year). . Don't think that topic is addressed is in the book. It definitely has taken a lot out of our marriage and life together..

Sincerely,

Bryan
Huntingburg, Indiana

Hi Bryan,

You would have to give us more specifics. Your bottom line though is the same that faces wives of unsaved husbands.. and that is that 1 Peter admonition for a Christian who is married to an unsaved spouse to win them without a word, by their lifestyle.

For Christian women, this is a most difficult position to be in. It should not be as hard for you, though you will want a lot of prayer support. Peter wrote that verse, not as a recipe for a happy marriage but as a way for a saved husband or wife to get their unsaved husband or wife saved. After they are saved, the rest of the marriage can be worked on.

If you will treat her as Christ would treat her in every way, she will not only open up to you, but she will end up getting saved.

As a starting point, just take the attitude that any marriage problems that you have are your fault, in one way or another. This is the right attitude to start with, so that you can seek for ways that you can do things differently to make things more smooth. Remember, insanity does the same things over and over, expecting different results. For example, saying to a wife, "Why do you do that?" seldom if ever gets good results!

Here are questions for you to ask her:

1. Have you ever felt pressured by me to act differently to conform to my Christian beliefs?

2. Have you ever felt manipulated by me and felt like I was using my Christianity to justify it?

3. Have you ever felt like my positions as a Christian were just a good excuse to hide tendencies to control you, put you down.

4. Do you ever wonder how I can call myself a Christian and yet be clueless in any way as a husband or dad?

5. If you were to compare me to Christ, in what you know of him, would I fall short in any way?

These questions should help you get to the heart of the matter of why your wife is not saved and why you may be having marriage problems. She is a woman and woman, saved or unsaved, generally know how their husbands are or are not treating them in comparison to how they would like to be treated.

Yes, there are occasions when a non-saved woman is just a wicked woman and there is nothing that anyone can do for them. They are champions of NOW or other various demonic woman's organizations and they simply hate men. I doubt that this is your wife though.

Glad to hear that your church gave the book out at Christmas! What is the church and what is the Pastor's name?

Blessings,

Joel Davisson

Here is a series of questions from a husband who is asking his wife how they are going to make decisions when they have a disagreement. To be totally candid, this husband is not really looking for answers, in our opinion. For various reasons, we believe that his questions reflect a challenge to his wife trying to get her to back down on team leadership and mutual submission. This is a couple that does not have a good relationship. The husband has rejected most counsel and our function has mainly been life support for the wife. This series of questions though gives us an opportunity to answer other husbands who are right now, being the devil’s advocate to their wife. Linda asked us to help her answer her husband. The answers are hers, but reflect her heart.

Linda,

I hear you telling me that you want us to make decisions together and that I am not the head of the household but that we are supposed to be a team.

Please let me know what you mean by this.

If I tell you I am ready to retire does that mean I have to keep working even though our assets can support our family if we manage them correctly and no one works?

No. If you will show me and help me to understand that we can make it if you retire, and if you will promise me that I can keep going to school, then I will be supportive of you retiring. You also have to tell me what you are going to do though. It makes me fearful to think that you might just sit around all day, complaining and yelling at me and the kids. If you want to Kayak every day, no problem. Just help me understand what it is that you want to do and I will support you.

If you want to go to a church and I want to go to church a different church, how do we decide which church to go to?

Ron Adams makes me very afraid. I would like to go to The Church of Champions, but you feel just as strongly against going there. So it would be wrong for me to demand that we go to The Church of Champions and it would really be wrong for you to want us to go to Ron Adams. I feel like if we go to Ron Adams church, our marriage will be over because he does not believe everything right about marriage. If you care at all about me and my feelings you would not ask us to go there. Let's go to Northland or another church. Do you think that you are being Christlike to make me feel afraid and insecure by going to Ron's church? I like to go to The Church of Champions to visit once in a while and if you want to go to visit Ron's church by yourself once in a while then that is fair. But you are not treating me fair to ask me to go to his church as a family.


If I want to boys to stay in community school and for me to monitor their progress and for you to finish college and get a job teaching, who determines whether we will take this course of action?

Isn't this what I also want, Paul? I want the boys to stay in CS and I want to finish college and become a teacher. We are in agreement on that.

If I want to hire a bookkeeper for the office and you want to keep doing the books at home, who gets to decide?

If it makes me feel valued to keep the books and if it makes me feel insecure to have someone else do the books, then you should meet my need to feel valued and secure. So you would decide that you would like me to do the books because you want me to feel valued and secured. If I ever get overwhelmed and ask you to get a book keeper, you would want to get a book keeper to relieve me of the stress. This is being a husband who cares about his wife.

If I want to take the boys to a bible study and you don't want them to go and they want to go, who decides?

As you know, I am very unhappy with Ron Adams. How would you like me to take the boys to The Church of Champions for a bible study? You would not. The golden rule is for you to do for me in all things as you would want me to do for you. Ron makes me very afraid. He is a male chauvinist who uses the bible to validate his ego and pride. It makes me VERY insecure for you to be with him and take the boys to see him. You should decide not to make me feel insecure by doing this. You can take the boys to a bible study or youth group at Northland, or another NORMAL church. That would not make me feel insecure. I am very hurt that you keep looking for people who believe the old way about marriage and that is what you found in Ron. So, if you would be like Christ, you would honor me and not take the boys to a bible study with him. If you really want to go by yourself to see Ron once a week, I can handle that. Just tell him that you do not want to talk about what he thinks a wife should be in a marriage. I know what he believes and I reject it.... and if you come home telling me that you are my head and I have to submit to you, then we do not have a marriage.

If I want to go to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend and you don't want to ever go again, who decides?

If you can assure me that you are not taking me to Ft. Lauderdale to leave me alone in the trailer for hours like you did last time and that you are not taking me there to try to get me to learn to submit like those women, then I do not have a problem going on trips with you there. The problem is that you use this, just like you use Ron Adams and his wife, to try to put me in my place and you do not honor me. I just want you to make me feel safe and honored and quit trying to get me to look at you as my authority. I want us to be a team, like the bible teaches and I want you to honor me and make me feel safe and loved.

As far as I am concerned, I have been more than willing to find common ground.

You have not been willing to find common ground. First you rejected Joel and Kathy and said you wanted to go to the counselor at Northland and then you quit seeing that counselor after one appointment and went to Ron. Ron and Vickie keep trying to get us to be a couple like they are.. and she wanted me to study a horrible book on submission with her. You are not trying to find common ground. You are trying to force me to get onto your ground.

Joel and Kathy were very nice to us and all that they asked you to do was to love me, quit being mean to me and honor me. Common ground would be for you to apologize to them and let them help us again. We were doing good when you were listening to them. I was so happy the few times that you listened to them and tried to love me. I even told Joel and Kathy one weekend that I felt like I was in heaven because you were treating me so well. If you treat me well and I am being mean to you, you could tell Joel and Kathy and they would tell me to be nice. They just want you to be nice first and to quit doing things that make me feel unloved, dishonored, hurt and insecure. .

Good afternoon Joel and Kathy,

I have been praying for God to put someone in my path that could help me and my husband as we are going through a divorce and today Angela
Milliken walked into my office and told me she had met you and referred me to write to you.

I pray that this is the answer I have been looking for. I am going to buy your book tonight and I am excited at the
possibilities that may come.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years together 8 and two months ago he left out of the blue saying he wasn't happy and hasn't
been in a long time; that he fell out of love with me.

I begged for him to stay as he is my world and the father of our 2 yr old son.

I realized soon after he left that there is another woman, a married friend of
ours who he has fell in love with although I don't know if he would
admit it even now.

They are having a relationship and it is devastating me. He is being hateful and mean to me and all I have to pull him back
in to our old life is our Son. That is a tool I don't want to use, but admit I have been.

Last week I persuaded him to attend faith based counseling at my church (he does not have God in his heart, and I have
been recently saved). The counseling is only for us to learn how to co-parent our child and get along.

It's strange we need counseling to get along, since we never fought in 7 years and now we can't be nice. I only got him tocounseling by promising more visitation if he agreed togo. Of course I hoped this would help him find God, me or the errors of his ways but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I know God is shining his light in my husband's heart but he is running as fast as he can away from it. I need a miracle to bring him back and I need a miracle for meto move on if he doesn't.

My husband was my life, my soul mate, my best friend and I depended on him more than I should have. I still love him
with every ounce of my being no matter what he has done. I feel like one day he woke up with a demon and he hasn't been able to shake him loose.
Satan has gotten a hold of him and he is lost, making poor choices with life, alcohol, woman and work.

This is not my husband- he may be full of pride and too arrogant but he is good man. He is falling and he knows it, but how do I get him to see the
light? What do I do from here?

I am so lost and confused on what to do. Can you help us?
Can you guide me on where I should go from here?

I don't know if by moving on and letting him see the strong side of me he will want to come
back, or if I should rather let him know I am here and will be thus showing him the real compassionate side of me.

I appreciate any advice you can give and I look forward to reading your book.

Thank you and God Bless,

Lonnie Taylor
Arkansas

Hi Lonnie,

It is certainly early in this crisis. If you can hang in there for at least a year and be available to accept your husband back, you will be doing him and your son a great service.

As you know, he may choose to stay away. If he chooses that, you will be able to go on.. but do that later.

For now, it would be good for you to look back and be able to say, "I stood, and prayed, and waited for a year.. and he chose to discard his family." On the other hand, the other woman might go back to her hubby and leave your husband stranded. Not the best way to get him back but we can deal with him later..

Your letter shows that you have a good grasp on some things. God puts a desire in wives for their husbands. They draw strength from their husbands, or their husbands drive them crazy. Don't let that happen to you. Keep reading good books etc. and attend a good church to help yourself stay on track.

Our book will help and strengthen you a lot. It also would be a good book to get to your husband.

He is indeed in great deception, and it will take a miracle to get him out of it. If you begin to get many people praying, God can put strife between your husband and the other woman.

You are probably still in emotional shock. Just stay there. You can get healed up later if he comes home.. or when you decide to close your heart to him.

For now, just draw on the grace of God to survive.. and pray in tongues a lot if you have a prayer language.

Do you have an attorney? Is your husband paying child support? In some states, you get nothing unless you are divorced. Tell an attorney to "take him to the mat." He needs all of the 'reality check' that he can get.. and he needs to know that if you two divorce that he will be forced to fulfill financial responsibilities to you and to your son for many years to come.

That will help to take the 'shine' off of the grass on the other side..

If he is not paying support to you and your son, and if your state does not require him to when only separated, then you can push the divorce so that he has to start paying. You can get re-married if he comes back. That is the easy part.

Let your attorney go for blood... don't let compassion get in the way there. Being held responsible legally may be the only hope that your husband has of growing up. If he begins to grow up, then you might find that he starts to change his tune.

As far as your personal approach to him? You can let him know that the door is open for him to return.

The attorney can let him know that a divorce will cost him a lot of money. and finally, you can assume an air of independence. Always look FABULOUS... as good as you possibly can look, yet project that air of independence and separation from him.

Your unspoken message is: "I am good looking, I am going to get snagged by another man, and YOU are going to pay the bills!"

Obviously, you are not looking to get snagged by another man.. you want your sons dad to come back home.. you are just trying to get him to see you in a way that says that you are going on with you and your sons life.

Don't yell, scream, argue etc. Just say things calmly and directly. Don't 'threaten' the lawyer idea.. just get the lawyer.

Hope this helps!

Joel and Kathy

Dear Joel and Kathy,

Thank you soooo much. This is what I needed to hear.

I told my counselor about the book and he is recommending it to another couple.

I am worried that my husband will never come back, worried he will find true love with her and maybe even have more kids. Something I could not provide for him. Im just flat out scared about everything but in all I know I will be Ok and my love for my son will make him OK as well.

Its just the now, that scares me to death. I do struggle getting out of bed some days and cooking dinner and just depression in general, but I go to counseling when that happens and it puts me back on track.

I will ask all my friends and family to pray for him, to find God since I feel he is searching and running from him at the same time. Maybe God will cause strife between them, it sure would be nice. Thank you for your advice. It is much appreciated. If you have any more words of wisdom, please send.

Sincerely,

Lonnie Taylor

Hi Joel and Kathy:

I just want to tell you that this past weekend was like we were in heaven! :)

But this morning, Paul started to relapse into his "old self" by complaining about his business. I told him to lower his tone of voice.... Then he would say, "if you let me be the head of home then things would be running smooth and that sort of thing....".

Well, later on, he wrote me some business letter with 'love, Paul' at the bottom. I guess he began to realize that reverting to his old nature was not working....

Okay, talk to you later.
Love in Christ,
Linda

Linda,

I am glad to hear about this "Progress." I do trust that you are "Responding" in a positive way to him. Thank you's, etc.

Also, please do not expect Paul to do everything right; to speak totally correct and respond correct all the time.

Just nicely inform him when he is talking to you wrong. Be direct in a nice way.

Maybe because of his "Good behavior" have dinner on the table waiting or have his favorite meal ready, or something like that to help encourage him to keep on doing the right thing.

Remember, he is coming from a full life of being negative, being rude, and fighting the "Melancholy" blues.....Woe is me attitude.

You are going to have to help him out. Keep responding in a good way, and even, on occasions, respond with "Oh, you seem stressed, can I get you a cup of tea?" Also, ask him what you can do to be a blessing to him right now?

Your responding positively to his efforts in ways like this will encourage his good actions.

God bless for now,

Kathy of Joel and Kathy D~

Note From Joel and Kathy: "Linda and Paul" are a couple who represent the most severely of troubled couples. Paul has been entrenched for over a year in a very abusive mind set and has consistently rejected counsel. In addition, he has tried to stop his wife from even communicating with us! Finally, when "Linda" started talking about her need for him to move out, he actually softened and we had a long counseling session. Thank God for the changes that he is working on making. If may sound small to you, but one weekend of feeling loved from her husband made it seem to Linda like she was experiencing heaven on earth!

Hi Paul,

You are REALLY doing great.. keep it up. It may feel unnatural sometimes to speak words of love to Linda as you have been doing.. (and especially when you know that 'people' are watching) but you are doing great.

Don't say things to her like you might not need more counseling.. that may be true, but don't voice it.. let Linda tell you if she thinks you do not need counseling.. if you say it, that only makes her nervous.

Here is a note we just wrote to her:

Hi Linda,

Don't worry about temporary, momentary lapses. Paul is obviously putting forth a good effort. He is showing that he is capable of being loving and kind in most of his communications.

Praise him for the communications that he does that are positive and loving.

He will get together with us again.. I have no doubt of that.

However, if he will hang in there and keep being loving and kind, it might just be a victory celebration...

that is a lot to ask.. but he is very intelligent.. and he has the right idea.

He might just be able to do this without lots of counseling. I personally figured it out after getting SHOVED in the right direction by Paul Hegstrom. Maybe Paul is just confident that he also can 'work out his own salvation' like I did...

We are available though.. for counseling if it becomes obviously necessary again.. or just as friends if Paul is able to keep up the honey and sweet stuff!

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy



Paul,

One thing you might anticipate and prepare for: If you stay on track, Linda will start feeling a pull inside herself to drop her guard and begin to trust you. At this point, a normal reaction would be for her to scream 'no' inside.. and she may enter a SHORT period of trying to get you to blow it. If you are prepared for this, and you only respond with love and kindness, then it will go away quick and she will be like putty in your hands!

So, if and when this happens, hallmarked by her seeming to be trying to pick arguements.. even with you treating her nice, you have to respond by saying things like this: "I realize that you are still hurt from me not treating you right in the past and I want you to know that you have every right to be hurt and angry. All that I can say is that I am sorry for the past, that I was not a loving husband to you all of the time, and if you will give me the chance, I am committed to being a loving and kind husband to you for the rest of our lives." and just hug her and show her some affection...

If this moment comes and you blow it by reacting back at her in anger, you will set your progress back to square one.. it is such a vital moment.

I think you are a couple weeks away from it.. as long as you keep treating her with love and kindness. On the other side of this though, it is all downhill.. (in the good sense of the word)

Resist the temptation to just throw caution to the wind and go negative... fight that urge. That is that 'thing' that we men have to die to.

A glorious marriage is the end result.

If the subject of further counseling with us comes up, just say, "If you feel like we need counseling from Joel and Kathy in a few weeks Linda, no problem."

The truth is that even if you do not need the counseling, she may just want to get together as friends to keep the connection... and to bolster her inner feelings of safety.. which is something that you want to nurture, nurture, nurture!

Have a great day!

Joel

Hi Paul:

Thanks for helping in disciplining the boys this morning..... And thanks for being so sweet and kind to me! Also, thanks for working hard for all of us!

Love,
Linda

-----------------------------------

Hi Paul,

I think it is important for you to 'see' into Linda's heart and into what we are counseling her. This is a copy and paste of two letters back and forth from today. We are investing a lot of time because we feel like you two are going to make it and have a wonderfully happy marriage.

The bottom line that you will want to take away from these letters, is that in addition to being sweet and communicating your commitment and love to Linda, which you are doing a great job of, it is time for you to start apologizing for the past times that you have hurt her.

When you do this, you will have to do it while being 'dead'. This means that you cannot apologize while at the same time telling her that the things you did to hurt her were her fault! and you cannot justify your actions. You just have to apologize, for one memory at a time, over a few days or week or more..

This is where the rubber meets the road.. and what our book will help you to do now.

By the way, as you will see, we are standing directly on Linda's toes.. and telling her that she needs to read the book again now.. because now is the hard part for her... you will see what I am talking about in our letters to her.

For you though, the hard part is letting Linda tell you when you have hurt her feelings and offering apologies.. even if you do not agree that she is justified in having hurt feelings. Even if your memory of something is different than hers.. what is important is her FEELINGS.. not the facts... and feelings are not wrong or right... they just are.

Your job as a husband is to bring healing and closure to the multitude of hurt feelings that Paul has.

Blessings!

Joel

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Linda,

The lady I hired and spend much time getting up to speed yesterday did not show up but called in and said that the job was too overwhelming.

I called Lori Spitz and asked her to start work tomorrow.

Other lawyers I have talked to and explained what I am going through understand but exclaim that they would go berserk to have to go through something like this. (Note from J and K: Paul has a huge work load and cannot find good help that will stay on board because of the word load.)

Love,

Paul

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Dear Paul,

So sorry to hear that. That is awful!

The boys and I appreciate you and your hard work.

Love,
Linda

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Hi Linda,

Now this was a perfect response to Paul.

You showed empathy for him by saying you are sorry to hear it, then you validated how bad it was by saying it was awful and then you let him know that you and the boys appreciate his hard work and sacrifice to earn the living..

Keep it up! and then overlook it when he occasionally bombs...

it is going to take a while for him to get totally over the hump.. look at it like a six month recovery from an accident or something... and make it a project!

If you both can keep feeding each other positively like this, you will eventually start having warm feelings of (yikes) love for each other again!

Blessings!

Joel

Dear Joel and Kathy,


Well, when I got home from grocery shopping today, Paul begged me to help him look for SUV keys. He cannot find it anywhere. So I looked for it for a few minutes.

I have tons of work to do around here. I need to clean up the family room since the ceiling now has been repaired (yesterday). It is a mess in that room. So I loaned him my extra key for SUV Ford Explorer.

We did have an argument before he left. He said he had to go to office for something. He accused me of running around with my handyman, Rob. Christy said the other day that Rob was flirting with me. But I did not even paid attention to him. Rob is a good man and he has his own girlfriend. He helps me a lot around the house. Paul is a real jerk! He hasn't really counted his blessings that God has given to him seriously! God may just take away everything from him if he doesn't treat me right. He needs to hit rock bottom to realize what a real jerk he has been to me!

I have been so good to him for the last 20 long years! I am sick and tired of him. I get no respect and honor from him. I have been faithful to him and never looked for another man in all my married years. He had been accusing me when other men looked at me of course. What did you expect? What can I do?

Blessings,
Linda

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Hi Linda,

Okay, okay... we know how hurt you are from the years. However, Paul is making what appears to be real and genuine efforts at repairing your marriage and repairing the way he treats you. Don't worry about him suggesting that you might be 'running around with someone'.. Take it as a compliment! He knows you are attractive and this is his way of saying so!

In our book, we ask the question of wives: "So, what will you do if your husband reads this book and begins to change? You may not WANT him to change! You might be so hurt that you feel you cannot forgive him. We understand. However, you will have to let him change and forgive him... responding positively."

You and Paul both should read the book again.. Paul to keep changing, and you to begin to allow him to change and receive his changing graciously. This is what you have wanted.. and it seems to be happening.. so let it!

God Bless!

Joel

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Paul said,

What a strange woman Linda is. Due to her deafness she does not pick up things and of course her sensory perception affects the way she views her surroundings and the world.

She needs to understand this so she can better deal with the hearing world.

Our response:

We are not talking about her dealing with the hearing world. We are talking about your marriage. The bible does not tell Linda to understand you. The bible tells you to understand Linda. It is not Linda's responsibility to realize that she misunderstands you. It is your job to understand how to relate to Linda so that she does not misunderstand you.

Linda's relating to the hearing world will be just fine when she feels understood, valued and loved by her husband.

Linda will take full responsibility for any issues that she may have after you have dealt with your issues.

Interesting note Paul: All men who have bad marriages have two things in common: They ALL want to blame their wives, and they ALL want to explain their understanding of marriage.. thinking that they understand how to have a great marriage.

These marriages only get healed when the husband does what I did, which is to accept responsibility for the problems and realize that I do not have a clue about relationships... and then fix it by listening to my wife's heart and meeting her needs.

When husbands do this, their wives issues magically disappear.

So, do yourself a favor.. drop all of the platitudes.. and work the program... you will have a happy life so much sooner.

What do I mean by platitudes? These ones.. along with the pointing to Linda as the problem..

Paul said:

Again, human interaction and behavior is not about psychology, it is more about our relationship with God.

**

Just to see Linda email every situation to someone is most bizarre. She has no loyalty to me at all. It is a Character defect and I am not responsible. (we address this below. J and K)

**

Any philosophy that denies individual responsibility is suspect. If your take is that the man is always the instigator as the initiator, I cannot agree. In fact, that whole concept is quite masochistic.
**

The goal of marriage is simple. Two become one. If one of the two is unwilling then marriage will not work itself out as per the purpose of God.

Its really simple what the Bible