Next Series of Letters is from a wife and some responses
from us. We included these on our questions and answers
page, however, the information is so valuable for men
who are working to win their wives hearts back, that
we wanted to put it on this page for husbands. Husbands,
this is "MUST KNOW" information:
Born again in a much deeper, more real way.
Hi Joel and Kathy,
Good things are happening around here! My husband and
I were both surprised at how difficult it has been for
him to hear my heart.
There was much more hurt in there than my husband had
anticipated. He kind of thought, " Oh, this will
piece of cake".
My husband shares that he feels as though he has been
born again. Everything in his Christianity is
becoming new. Some day I hope he tells you about it.
I want him to share with you. (Note from Joel: We
often tell men that they have to "really"
again.. that their born-again experience stopped at
the outside of their front door! I felt like Bess''s
husband.. that I had gotten totally born again - but
it was not until 18 years after I asked Jesus into my
As for me, I keep asking him, "Is this real, do
Just last night as he was giving me a back message I
began to tear up. I told him that his touch was
bringing healing to my heart.
Also, it is a little difficult for me to realize that
I was not wrong all these years. My desires for our
marriage and for how to serve the Lord were not wrong.
This brings so much hope to me and to my husband.
Some day, we will have a ministry. Praise God! Joel
and Kathy, you are bearing good fruit with this
ministry and message that the Lord has given to you
God bless and love in Christ,
Bess (and Norm)
P.S. That Pastor''s wives'' web site was so sad.
I can''t even read it. My husband has been reading to
see just how much damage that Christian men are doing
to their wives and to learn the hurts that are in
Christian women. He wants to understand to never hurt
me again. (Note from Joel and Kathy: What a smart
This was a great message and very nice to hear from
you. (Referring to the newsletter: "It is my turn
I am so hoping that I too will get past the pain of
remembering and truly move on.
My husband and I are both very hopeful. Things are
Every time I start to get all weepy or angry etc. we
hang tight and go for the ride until it passes. This
is something new for both my husband and myself.
In the past whenever I would go through emotional
struggles my husband would take charge and talk me out
of it, etc. He was thinking that was what he was
supposed to do.
It is a new thing for the both of us to just allow me
to vent and for my husband to simply validate my
feelings and continue to love me through it.
Praise God, we are both learning and growing in this
new teaching and understanding.
Bess (and Norm)
2 Corinthians 10:12
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare
ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they
measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves
among themselves, are not wise.
After reading these most recent letters sent to us by
Joel over the last two days my husband mentioned to
me this morning, " Well honey, it could be worse,
you could be married to _________(fill in the blank).
I retorted back, "Well, so could you, I haven't
committed adultery or left you, and besides the bible
tells us not to compare ourselves to one another, only
Jesus is our standard, we are to compare ourselves to
Him and then we all come short".
I just wanted to remind all of us reading these letters
to be careful. The goal is to see men become like Christ
and then the women. We are all here to learn and grow
and to pray. It is a huge mistake to compare ourselves
to others for the better or worse. That is always wrong
and will lead to defeat. Jesus is Lord! IN Christ, Bess
19th August 2006
This is a letter from Bess. Thanks Bess! This is GREAT!
I hope that it is OK for me to share an issue that had
come up between me and my sweet hubby. Although my husband
had been calling me gorgeous, beautiful, luscious, pretty,
etc., it fell on deaf ears. He was often frustrated
and puzzled at my rejection of his compliments. I shared
with him that he always gave me compliments with a silent
disclaimer. I was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough,
I was pretty, but not pretty enough, I was sexy, but
not sexy enough. He always had this playboy standard
and image in his mind that I knew he had and that I
could not and would not ever measure up to.
I told him that I needed to be good enough. I needed
for him to be fully and completely devoted to me as
I am right now. I can't be perfect. I am a woman in
my 40's with 12 children. I want to be his special treasure.
This convicted my husband. He did not deny that he had
been doing that to me and placing that kind of pressure
Now when he compliments me I have been accepting them
because I know that he has made a committment to give
them with "no disclaimer". Praise God!
Sent: Friday, August 18, 2006 8:15 AM
Subject: Question for Bess
Question from a (worried) husband!
How did she know this?
Was this because of the way he said it? or how frequent
just woman's intuition ?
I think we are all guilty of some form of silent ad
ons and our wives are very perceptive, more than we
give them credit for.
I am concerned that we are trying to be loving kind
considerate and listening to where the need is but at
the same time we are sending out completely an unwanted
set of unspokens that our wives pick up on instantly.
Answer from Bess:
This is a loaded question and I have been thinking all
morning how to answer. Are you willing to ask your wife
when was the very first time that you ever hurt her
in this area. I can remember in the very first weeks
of our marriage my husband rubbed his hand across my
nude belly and said, " I want this to be flat".
I never forgot those hurtful words. Thus ensued a lifetime
project for me to try to achieve a flat tummy (remember
I am the mother of 12, interpretation- 12 pregnacies).
Do you see a flat tummy in this picture? Has your wife
ever found porn in or among your personal belongings?
Do you watch t.v. shows or movies with obviously beautiful
sexy women? What things might you have said to her over
the years that may have implied your disatisfaction
with her physical appearance or her sexuality? (If you
are truly clueless then ask her and then let her tell
A challenge to the men. Jesus warned his disciples that
whoever sets his hand to the plow and looks back is
not worthy. The apostle James reminds us that a double
minded man is unstable in all of his ways and will recieve
nothing from the Lord. ( And Norm laughingly says, "and
nothing from his wife either!) If you are going to be
heading toward this path that Joel and kathy have set
before you are you truly prepared to take it all the
way to the cross? Your cross. Your death. Don't make
this a game. Your wife will know.
Hey Joel and Kathy, here is an email that I had sent
to Norm a few days ago. Thought it may help others to
see what a woman may be feeling inside while she is
opening up past hurts and feelings. We (me in particular)
were going through a rough time.
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, August 21, 2006 8:08 AM
Subject: To my sweetheart!
Hi lover, please help me to heal by
staying strong for me. I need you during these difficult
times. I love you and I need you everyday. Forever your
Note from Joel. Many times a wife will be afraid that
if she expresses too much hurt and disappointment, that
her husband will give up and backslide. This is a nice
note that expresses a world of emotion. Men, you need
to reassure your wives CONSTANTLY that you WANT them
to unload on you emotionally. Assure her that though
it is difficult for you and causes you to die inside
- that you want her to feel free to say whatever she
needs to say, whenever she wants to say it - so that
she can get closure and you can grow up. Assure her
that there is NOTHING that she could say or do that
would drive you away - she is safe to express anything
and you will not leave her.
For some of you guys who were more abusive, be VERY
careful how you say, "There is NOTHING that you
could say or do to drive me away." That might come
across as a "stalker" threat instead of a
loving and compassionate reassurance. So, adjust your
words accordingly. This is the world you created and
you have to be careful as you seek to repair it!
Joel and Kathy
Hi Joel and Kathy, I want to share with you a situation
that has come up with us. Joel, in your DVD seminar
you told the men that if they are loving their wife
and doing what they need to be doing for her and she
has a situation that she is not overcoming then she
will call a girlfriend for prayer and counsel.
Well, that is just what happened with me. I had not
even realized it until after I called the friend and
got the counsel and advice. I was just stalemated and
unable to get past a very bad attitude toward Norm even
though he was validating my feelings and loving me.
Finally out of desperation I made contact with a woman
counsellor on line. She helped me to see my way through
my circumstances and to come reason with my feelings.
Like I said I did not even remember your words on the
DVD about such a situation until after I got the counsel
and talked to Norm about it. Praise God, Joel you are
so right about your counsel to men. Guys, God is faithful.
Do your part and the Lord will do His!
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