This Next Series of Letters is from a wife and some responses from us. We included these on our questions and answers page, however, the information is so valuable for men who are working to win their wives hearts back, that we wanted to put it on this page for husbands. Husbands, this is "MUST KNOW" information:


Born again in a much deeper, more real way.

Hi Joel and Kathy,

Good things are happening around here! My husband and
I were both surprised at how difficult it has been for
him to hear my heart.

There was much more hurt in there than my husband had
anticipated. He kind of thought, " Oh, this will be a
piece of cake".

My husband shares that he feels as though he has been
born again. Everything in his Christianity is
becoming new. Some day I hope he tells you about it.
I want him to share with you. (Note from Joel: We
often tell men that they have to "really" get born
again.. that their born-again experience stopped at
the outside of their front door! I felt like Bess''s
husband.. that I had gotten totally born again - but
it was not until 18 years after I asked Jesus into my

As for me, I keep asking him, "Is this real, do you
mean it?"

Just last night as he was giving me a back message I
began to tear up. I told him that his touch was
bringing healing to my heart.

Also, it is a little difficult for me to realize that
I was not wrong all these years. My desires for our
marriage and for how to serve the Lord were not wrong.
This brings so much hope to me and to my husband.

Some day, we will have a ministry. Praise God! Joel
and Kathy, you are bearing good fruit with this
ministry and message that the Lord has given to you to

God bless and love in Christ,

Bess (and Norm)

P.S. That Pastor''s wives'' web site was so sad.
I can''t even read it. My husband has been reading to
see just how much damage that Christian men are doing
to their wives and to learn the hurts that are in
Christian women. He wants to understand to never hurt
me again. (Note from Joel and Kathy: What a smart


Hi Kathy,

This was a great message and very nice to hear from
you. (Referring to the newsletter: "It is my turn now"
from Kathy)

I am so hoping that I too will get past the pain of
remembering and truly move on.

My husband and I are both very hopeful. Things are
looking good.

Every time I start to get all weepy or angry etc. we
hang tight and go for the ride until it passes. This
is something new for both my husband and myself.

In the past whenever I would go through emotional
struggles my husband would take charge and talk me out
of it, etc. He was thinking that was what he was
supposed to do.

It is a new thing for the both of us to just allow me
to vent and for my husband to simply validate my
feelings and continue to love me through it.

Praise God, we are both learning and growing in this
new teaching and understanding.

In Christ,

Bess (and Norm)


2 Corinthians 10:12
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

After reading these most recent letters sent to us by Joel over the last two days my husband mentioned to me this morning, " Well honey, it could be worse, you could be married to _________(fill in the blank).

I retorted back, "Well, so could you, I haven't committed adultery or left you, and besides the bible tells us not to compare ourselves to one another, only Jesus is our standard, we are to compare ourselves to Him and then we all come short".

I just wanted to remind all of us reading these letters to be careful. The goal is to see men become like Christ and then the women. We are all here to learn and grow and to pray. It is a huge mistake to compare ourselves to others for the better or worse. That is always wrong and will lead to defeat. Jesus is Lord! IN Christ, Bess


19th August 2006
This is a letter from Bess. Thanks Bess! This is GREAT!

I hope that it is OK for me to share an issue that had come up between me and my sweet hubby. Although my husband had been calling me gorgeous, beautiful, luscious, pretty, etc., it fell on deaf ears. He was often frustrated and puzzled at my rejection of his compliments. I shared with him that he always gave me compliments with a silent disclaimer. I was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough, I was pretty, but not pretty enough, I was sexy, but not sexy enough. He always had this playboy standard and image in his mind that I knew he had and that I could not and would not ever measure up to.
I told him that I needed to be good enough. I needed for him to be fully and completely devoted to me as I am right now. I can't be perfect. I am a woman in my 40's with 12 children. I want to be his special treasure. This convicted my husband. He did not deny that he had been doing that to me and placing that kind of pressure on me.
Now when he compliments me I have been accepting them because I know that he has made a committment to give them with "no disclaimer". Praise God!

19th aug
Sent: Friday, August 18, 2006 8:15 AM
Subject: Question for Bess

Question from a (worried) husband!

How did she know this?
Was this because of the way he said it? or how frequent just woman's intuition ?
I think we are all guilty of some form of silent ad ons and our wives are very perceptive, more than we give them credit for.
I am concerned that we are trying to be loving kind considerate and listening to where the need is but at the same time we are sending out completely an unwanted set of unspokens that our wives pick up on instantly.

Answer from Bess:

This is a loaded question and I have been thinking all morning how to answer. Are you willing to ask your wife when was the very first time that you ever hurt her in this area. I can remember in the very first weeks of our marriage my husband rubbed his hand across my nude belly and said, " I want this to be flat". I never forgot those hurtful words. Thus ensued a lifetime project for me to try to achieve a flat tummy (remember I am the mother of 12, interpretation- 12 pregnacies). Do you see a flat tummy in this picture? Has your wife ever found porn in or among your personal belongings? Do you watch t.v. shows or movies with obviously beautiful sexy women? What things might you have said to her over the years that may have implied your disatisfaction with her physical appearance or her sexuality? (If you are truly clueless then ask her and then let her tell you).

A challenge to the men. Jesus warned his disciples that whoever sets his hand to the plow and looks back is not worthy. The apostle James reminds us that a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways and will recieve nothing from the Lord. ( And Norm laughingly says, "and nothing from his wife either!) If you are going to be heading toward this path that Joel and kathy have set before you are you truly prepared to take it all the way to the cross? Your cross. Your death. Don't make this a game. Your wife will know.


Hey Joel and Kathy, here is an email that I had sent to Norm a few days ago. Thought it may help others to see what a woman may be feeling inside while she is opening up past hurts and feelings. We (me in particular) were going through a rough time.

----- Original Message -----
From: Bess
To: Norm
Sent: Monday, August 21, 2006 8:08 AM
Subject: To my sweetheart!

Hi lover, please help me to heal by staying strong for me. I need you during these difficult times. I love you and I need you everyday. Forever your love, Bess


Note from Joel. Many times a wife will be afraid that if she expresses too much hurt and disappointment, that her husband will give up and backslide. This is a nice note that expresses a world of emotion. Men, you need to reassure your wives CONSTANTLY that you WANT them to unload on you emotionally. Assure her that though it is difficult for you and causes you to die inside - that you want her to feel free to say whatever she needs to say, whenever she wants to say it - so that she can get closure and you can grow up. Assure her that there is NOTHING that she could say or do that would drive you away - she is safe to express anything and you will not leave her.

For some of you guys who were more abusive, be VERY careful how you say, "There is NOTHING that you could say or do to drive me away." That might come across as a "stalker" threat instead of a loving and compassionate reassurance. So, adjust your words accordingly. This is the world you created and you have to be careful as you seek to repair it!


Joel and Kathy


Hi Joel and Kathy, I want to share with you a situation that has come up with us. Joel, in your DVD seminar you told the men that if they are loving their wife and doing what they need to be doing for her and she has a situation that she is not overcoming then she will call a girlfriend for prayer and counsel.

Well, that is just what happened with me. I had not even realized it until after I called the friend and got the counsel and advice. I was just stalemated and unable to get past a very bad attitude toward Norm even though he was validating my feelings and loving me. Finally out of desperation I made contact with a woman counsellor on line. She helped me to see my way through my circumstances and to come reason with my feelings. Like I said I did not even remember your words on the DVD about such a situation until after I got the counsel and talked to Norm about it. Praise God, Joel you are so right about your counsel to men. Guys, God is faithful. Do your part and the Lord will do His!

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