These Pages are Packed Full of Counseling for Men Who are Working to Win Their Wive's Hearts back.

 

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This is for men who may be separated or divorced or need that extra coaching to become the Man of Her dreams.
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These pages are dedicated to a long series of letters. They are designed to speak to men who have violated and dishonoured their wives for so long that she has filed for divorce, gotten a boyfriend, has separated, or lives with him but hates his guts, realizes he has been a con-artist in the marriage and therefore, does not believe a word he says.

Some of the men you will read about here have won their wives hearts back. Others did not make the inner changes necessary. The object MUST be to become Christlike and to make up to your wife and children for the pain that you have caused them. If your goal is only to restore your family, you will not change internally. You will win your wife back but then you will revert within six months back to your former mindsets.

You have to kill the selfishness. The only way you kill that selfishness, pride and ego is to maintain the attitude that you are making up to your wife and kids for the wounding you have caused. You also need to be motivated by the responsibility to offer security and support to your children, even if you never get your wife back. This is all about you. Do YOU want to become Christlike? Do you want to grow and mature? Or do you want to stay the same old selfish, carnal man that you were when you forced your wife's heart to turn away from you?

This first series of letters are a series of letters back and forth between us, “Jamie” and “Jan”. All names and locations have been changed. You will remember “Jamie” and “Jan” from chapter 20 of “Livin’ It and Lovin’ It!” entitled, “Can I Ever Get Her Back?” These letters are not included in that chapter, so to get the drift of our full counsel, you will need to read chapter 20.

As you read through this page, be aware that sometimes parts might be out of order. You will "get the drift" though! Keep reading!

----------------------------------------------------


Joel,

About the middle of June this year, in a desperate search to stop a divorce, that I myself initiated, and my wife counter filed on, I ran across your site.

At the time, there was absolutely no hope that I could see of ever reconciling with my wife and 4 children, and losing a 25 year relationship. I had tried everything: pleading,
praying, counselling and just about everything I could think of.

I bought your book, and began a intense correspondence with you and your wife.
You offered hope and encouragement,,and death,,,death to self. All of the other methods I had looked at were, now, in retrospect, just ways of manipulating the situation.

Taking my hands off of things was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to do.

In March of this year, my wife wouldn't even talk to me about anything.

She was so hurt, and since I've been laying down my life for my wife, as you say I need to do, my wife, (my ex-wife,) is responding slowly, ever so slowly to a change that she has
expressed that she does indeed see happening in me.

Yesterday, on September 5, she was working at home, and still having trouble with anxiety attacks over the divorce. She had a very vivid dream, and became very distraught,

I just so happened to call her to see how she was doing. I ended up leaving work to be with her. This was an answer to the prayer that she'd been praying, "God, please send
him to me."

We had time to talk about some things after she was able to regain her composure somewhat. She said that she just couldn't go back to what she called "insanity", and I'd have to agree with her that it was. (Referring to how I treated her for 25 years.)

I told her that I wanted to show her that I could be the man of her dreams and hoped that she would allow me to show her that. (I told her this for about the 100th time)

In a statement right out of the blue, she said,,"I don't even want to start thinking about getting back together,,until after Christmas."

It was a statement, that I didn't prompt at all,,nor did I push
for,,but, had been hoping and praying for.

It's still going to take time, I know, but, the hope of restoration, is more tangible now, than it has ever been.

Thank you so very much,

Jamie Hand


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Jamie did not mention in his letter, is how much pain he has gone through. For a month or two, he could hardly do, or say anything right! We would tell him every time that he said or did something that was crossing boundaries and violating Jan's space. Jamie could have lost heart. He could have given up. We told Jamie that he had to dedicate the rest of his life to making up to Jan for the hurt he had brought to her and the kids... even if she never responded. His motivation had to be correct: to mature into Christlikeness - without any promises, guarantees or assurances from Jan. Hey Jamie, the great news is that you still have some more growing to do. We get to laugh some more at your expense!


Hi Jamie,

You forgot to mention that I have been telling you that you and Jan would be having serious discussions about re-marriage by Christmas... give or take a few weeks. I had been saying this since about July 1. We did not prompt Jan either, about this. You also forgot to mention that you have been blindly following our every instruction - no matter how much it brought death to your ego and pride. Following the instructions has been causing you to truly die to self - you are not there yet - but you are so very close to receiving the "safety" seal of approval from us. Each time that you do the opposite of what every fiber in your being wants to do, you are forcing your brain to create the new synapses. This will only be excruciatingly hard for a few more months.. and then it will begin to progressively get easier.

You are actually changing. You are maturing into adulthood. When your growth is complete, and you are re-married, and you are treating Jan like a queen within the marriage for a few years, and you are NOT treating other women like queens - then you and Jan are going to be able to help so many others.


Blessings,

Joel
----------------------------------------------------------

Hi Joel and Kathy

I hope this makes it to you, it's been a while since you and I have
talked.
I guess I really just want to try to clear things up a little bit, if
that's at all possible
I have found out things about myself throughout this whole thing, that
I was totally oblivious to, and never even imagined
things like selfishness, and manipulation and a hidden desire to want
to control, and the frustration that it all brings about, frustration,
that was brought on by no one other than,,,,ME

It was never Jan,,,although,, I thought it was,,all of the things
that you and I have talked about over the years,,from the good to the
bad,,I've found out were a direct result of my input,,,
too many times, I felt that I was totally right in my view of things,
and didn't give Jan's feelings about things more than a passing (if
that) thought.

Times that I complained that Jan's views were harsh, irrational, and
or extreme,,were all, as I now know, just a reaction to the things
that I had either put upon her, or was putting her through.

If I thought that her relationship with God, was fanatical,,well,,it's
all because, she was totally seeking God, in an effort to find refuge
from the pain, that I knowingly and unknowingly was inflicting upon
her and had inflicted on her.

If I thought that she disrespected me, (which I did),,it was only a
direct result of,,,you guessed it,,,Me again
Issues with the children,,I thought that my way was right

I thought that being the "head of the wife",somehow meant taking on
all of the responsibility for everything, and demanding, that things
be a certain way, and that my way was somehow the right way,,and that
she should be willing to accept it as a God thing.

I made issues of things that shouldn't have been issues at all, and
didn't see the real issues as they were.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I was the issue,,
If I had actually understood and obeyed the commandment in Ephesians
5, as I do now,,Jan's spirit would have flourished,,,instead of
withered.

If I would have listened more to her heart, and given more
to the way she felt about things,, the things I thought,,and I
emphasize the word,,,thought,,,would never have happened
Joel, this is really all my fault,,100%,, I cannot blame anything on
Jan at all

Joel, if Jan should ever choose to ask you anything about me,that
you are aware of,,please,,tell her,,

too many times over the years, I've either limited Jan's
choices,,and other times,,totally given her no choice,,,
I gave her no choice in this matter either,

I didn't "give myself up for her" as husbands are commanded to, and I
set no good example for my children or other people in the church
I've been hypocritical, controlling, domineering, adulterous and
abusive,,

all of the things I never wanted to be,,but,,ended up being anyway
I've hurt Jan, and my children and other people around me,,and I
want to apologize to the both of you for that.

If I've made either of you draw a negative opinion of Jan, in any
way,, I'm sorry,

the cause and the blame for this rests squarely on me,
and anything that Jan ever said or did as a result of those things,
are totally my fault

please pray for me
Jamie

-----------------------------------------------------------

Joel,
this morning about 5 a.m. I awoke, and called Jan's cell phone to
leave her a message and "own" the issues that she says are troubling
her at this time,,

I inadvertently woke her up, and apologized for all of that,,,

but, I told her that I initiated all of the affairs, simply by being
me, and something was wrong with me at the most basic level, that I
desperately wanted to change

I explained the reasoning for letting Sandra listen to the message,
and told her that I thought since I was honest with her, it wouldn't
be a big deal, I told her that I know now that it was stupid, and I
never wanted to do "stupid" things, but, always seemed to

The Tommy Tenney thing, I explained to her that it was a control thing
because I didn't like it, and since I had the backing of clergy, that
my position was correct, and I didn't want her to do it,,and tried to
stop her from doing it,,

I believe I've given her plenty of reason to just make the decision to
call it quits today,,and not have anything to do with me
I will go and clean the chimney this afternoon as I told her I would
but somewhere in my heart this morning, I know it's over

Jamie

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jamie,
Do you really want me to answer this?
What are you trying to grow out of?

1. Compulsive actions, controlled by your emotions.. such as calling Jan at 5 am to clear yourself. Translate this into a restored marriage: Jamie gets a compulsion to go and talk to the woman at the convenience store.. he needs to get some reassurance about himself as a man because he is not feeling respected by Jan... and does it.

2. Poor me: Somewhere in my heart, I know it is over... Translate this into a restored marriage: Jan is not reassuring me of her love enough. She is making me feel bad about myself. I need to go to Wal-Mart so I can see if other women will still give me "kudo's"

3. Tommy Tenney: Even though I had clergy backing me.. you are trying so hard to just accept the fact that you were afraid because you were not in control of Jan concerning where she was going and what she was doing..... that little bit of "but it was not all my fault" still hangs on by a thread. Translate this into marriage. "I am really getting tired of it around here. Jan won't get off my case. Sure, I am not perfect, but she is making it impossible for me to love her."

Because I am so confident that you will be back with Jan and the kids, after you grow up out of all of this garbage, I could have just said, "GROW UP".. but, I thought I would take a minute and help you isolate these things.

Did I mention the need to grow up? You have 90 days to mature.. if you are going to see the Christmas prediction come to pass... Controlling your emotions, not letting your actions be dictated by your emotions, quitting smoking, all these are part and parcel of the process.

Blessings,

Joel

We tell men all the time: "The Problem is NOT getting your wife to turn her heart toward you... the problem is getting you to truly change."

Most guys want to "prove to their wives that they have changed" instead of actually changing! There is a HUGE difference. We worked with a man named Ian. He had a world of legal stuff hanging over his wife's head. We told him that he must drop the legal processes immediately if he was going to win her heart back. He told us that he would drop the legal proceedings. That was our requirement to work with him. We spent about 25 intense hours on him. It finally came out that he had not dropped the legal stuff.. he was lying the whole time. His intent was only to use us to again, try to "convince his wife that he had changed."

When he realized that he actually had to change in order for us to help him, he exposed the fact that he was not giving up the legal battle. His original intent was to say yes to dropping it, to get us to work on his behalf.. but he kept the option open in the back of his mind to pick it back up - which he did.

Jamie is doing great. He had a down moment in the last few days because Jan is "unloading" on him. This is part of the process. It is very hard on Jan. It is necessary for her to be healed though.. and for them to ever have a chance of recovery. As she has been unloading, Jamie slips his little justifications in with his explanations.. this is driving Jan crazy... she sees him changing... and then sees his old self still come out.

We told Jamie, in advance, that Jan would HAVE to unload on him if they were ever going to be restored. We told him many times, that the good days were NOT when she was smiling and giving him hugs and "thank-you's" for things. The good days are when she unloads emotionally about everything he has done to hurt her over the years.

Jamie has a hard time believing this. He sometimes crashes emotionally, as a responder, instead of being able to always pro-actively minister to her heart... she is in much more pain than he is in. How many times can it be said, "It is not all about you, husband!" Jamie does well for a while.. and then he crashes.. but he is becoming more Christlike as time goes by.

I hope you can see yourself here, and let my corrections to Jamie bring corrections to yourself.

Remember.. this is NOT the normal Jamie. This is Jamie at his lowest ebb, emotionally. He has been doing great for about 90 days. We told him in July that if he sticks with this, he could expect a restoration around Christmas. Jan said to him last week, "I am not going to consider restoration until after Christmas." Are we good, or what?

Jamie will do fine. The only reason I send this letter out is to speak to the rest of the husbands... speak to your lowest level emotions.. the quicker you guys grow up and out of this stuff, become mature and Christlike, the sooner your wives will open their hearts to you.


Blessings,

Joel and Kathy
---------------------------------------------------------

Joel,

Got another Hug tonight as we were leaving church,
I asked her how she liked her bathroom
she commented on the fact that she was impressed that I had gotten so
much accomplished in such a short amount of time,,AND,,,she also
mentioned the fact that something she had mentioned to me earlier in
the week about some rumblings going on at the church concerning the
pastor, that I didn't respond in the way I used to, and said nothing
more than,,"that's just the way he is",,without judgment,,
she was impressed with that too,,,
I said, I think there's something different about me, and she
said,,,YES,,there IS something different about you,,,
she hugged me,,right in the church parking lot,,and went home

From Jan, Jamie's wife:

Just have a minute, so I will be brief.

Thanks for the reassurance on the timing. I will continue to listen to God. Last night I asked him to stay because Greg wanted to spend the night with him and couldn't because Jamie was on call and didn't want to leave him at his house alone if he got called in. I suggested it for Greg's sake and Jamie was very appreciative, but it was way to much way too soon.

I was in so much screaming pain from it, that it woke me up and it even became physical pain (head ache, back, joints, muscles). And when he is in his 'good Jamie' personna, it is so easy to slide right back into the ease and rhythm of being a family.

When God told me to leave Jamie, He gave me 1 Samuel 15. I grieved all weekend and asked Him to confirm and expose the other woman, as well as several 'fleece' if things changed and I was to stay. He also gave me 1 Kings 13 at the same time and I really puzzled over what He was trying to tell me. Among other things, I could not understand why a prophet would deceive a fellow prophet and cause them to disobey God.

I wrote in my journal at the time that as confusing as it was, I felt God was trying to tell me that if I obey Him and things start to happen, confirming what He said that I should obey all of it and not get side tracked. I am still not sure of the whole meaning of it....if it meant Jamie would again behave as if he had changed and fool others as he has in the past, and I was to just hold to the course of getting/being out, or he would kill me emotionally and physically.....or what!!!!

Only God knows if the change is for real and if Jamie will really stick to it this time. I just know I want to hear God clearly and obey Him. I know He put several women in my path that had stories to tell of getting back together with their adulterous husbands and having everything go great, only have them to choose to again abandon their wives 10 years later-again for another woman.

Suzanne one of the woman even had a deliverance ministry with her husband, that delivered men from the bondage of adultery and sexual addiction. Her husband was used greatly by the Lord, saw amazing things-deliverances with people writhing on the floors as the spirits left and he still went back into it. Another (Dee) is a minister and her husband left her for another woman when her children were young, she took him back and then he left her again 10 years later for another woman.

Yes, Jamie has really said "I am dedicating the rest of my life to making up to you and the kids for all of the pain that I caused you."-although not always with the 'kid' part. He said it after I found out about all the girls he was screwing around with before we got married, after we got back together from when I filed for divorce when I was pregnant for Doris, and when he asked me to stay after I found out about his 'on-line' girlfriend. (A lot of them that have been on-going like 'Milly' I just found out about with this divorce.)

He still claims to have just been talking to all of them.
GTG!

Have a great time in Africa if I don't hear from you before then.
Jan :o)



Hi Jan,

Sorry about the physical pain you are having.

It is Jamie's fault.. blame him! (Seriously!) Jamie caused pain for you, the children and himself.

It will get easier for you though. As Jamie changes, you will get healed up and the pain will be gone.

Your friends really need our book. It will bring them much healing. My guess is that when the husbands came back that they as a couple, fell into the "wife submit and follow her husbands leadership" trap. The wife had to submit to a husband who was a mess.. and because he did not have to submit equally to her, he was able to generate another adultery.

My adultery was in 1991.. so, 15 years and counting... I am totally accountable, transparent and available to Kathy.. so if I ever were to get tempted, she would sense it IMMEDIATELY!

When a couple is one flesh, a wife can sense the slightest change. If I get overly attracted to a billboard picture.. she knows it!

Life is really really good... if a man "gets" what I have.

I am going to take another guess about your friends. My guess, is that THEY tried to win their husbands back.. and that the women tried to hold the marriage together by offering the undeserved respect that Christian women are told that they are supposed to offer to their husbands.

They were probably desperate to have the relationship work out.. and therefore overlooked MANY warning signals in the name of submission and respect.

The wrong teachings about marriage have hurt SO MANY Christian women... my guess is that your friends were suffering under these false teachings.. and so the husbands ended up taking advantage of them.

This is why our book helps women like your friends get healed so much. They allready know everything we say, in their hearts.. but when they see it written down, it brings TREMENDOUS healing.

Ask them to go to the website and request our 80 pages of free excerpts.

www.godsavemymarriage.com

By the way, your friends are not to blame.. their husbands had bad character and never changed. The wives did what everyone says a wife should do... they offered agape love, respect etc. Women are amazing.. truly amazing. We men mess our lives (and their lives) up so bad by abusing the gift that God gives us in our wives.

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy

Joelandkathy@aol.com wrote:
Hi Jan,

Jamie has written a few letters to other husbands that we have asked him to write. They were helpful to the other husbands, but, I do not think that we ever sent you copies of any of them. Jamie was just as forthcoming in those letters, but there was a difference.

The difference in this letter is obvious to us. The difference is subtle, but huge. The other letters came from a man who knew he had to die to himself, knew he had to change, but it was all out of the head.

This letter has reached his heart. If your immediate reaction is to say that Jamie is just claiming to believe what he writes, we can forward you his earlier letters, so you can sense the difference... but, I think, as his wife, that you are going to sense a heart in what Jamie has written... and you don't have to read his other letters to see the difference.

This does not mean that you have to do anything different. Keep that 90 day "buffer" in your mind. Let Jamie walk this out for longer. Enjoy being pampered.

Blessings,

Joel and Kathy



This letter is from Jan, Jamie's wife:

Thanks guys, he blind cc'd me on this too. He didn't tell me he had blind cc'd you guys. And then turned right around, mentioning again that he never instigated any of the affairs and that he just wanted to point that out,,,,,wasn't trying to control things, but thought I should know.... like that makes a difference.

And he still mentions the fact that he can prove to me the 'cult' stuff he found on the internet, and then caveats it with he knows it is his fault, he was looking for that. And when he tries to remedy it, he just digs a bigger hole.

He doesn't realize that as long as he feels it is worthy of mention, he still believes them to be completely valid statements, clearly is not accepting full responsibility and clearly feels that the fact that he didn't instigate the affairs, and that there was information about to the effect that Tommy Tenney was a cult and that some how justifies it and makes it less of a betrayal.

If I actually understood his thinking, I would have to be insane too. Plus, he is making sure to mention to others all the nice things he is doing...ie, when I went to the hermitage he had a nice bouquet sent to me at work-(trust me, I am not the only one all this is confusing)...he made sure to mention it to Sandra and have her listen to my cell phone message 'thank you'. Not sure the motive...pats on the back or encouragement that from my 'thank you', does she think I really still love him???? I don't even want to hazard a guess.

I am getting feedback from some in the church think I am using him/leading him on now, setting him up for pain, and need to decide what I am going to do-give it a go or a clean break....don't think? that was his intent, but became a side issue resulting. My response to all this is that it is in God's hands and it is up to Him and He will let me know.
Plus, Jamie has been on the fence for how many years now and I have to decide right now and not lead him on???? If so, the answer is a 'clean break' and now. I have told him point blank, I have no intention of coming back even if he does all these 'nice' things for me, and even if he has changed I am not taking the risk again, so he better expect that up front and know that going in. I don't believe he has shared that information along with the flower information.

Look, I don't want to be negative but the guy has been a total pathological liar....so good at it, I think he even believes his own lies, and he repeats them enough so they become real to him. Just because it comes out of his mouth, and even more than once, and to more than one person, and even the same story, does not make it the truth. He is perfectly capable of doing that with a lie, and has done so for years. Remember, he is a pro!!!

Plus, he is trying to figure out who I got information from at his work about the things he had been saying for the past year, and came up with some poor girls name that he thinks I was talking to her or a family member......so obviously he is still talking to the women up there..... And I know he still is not being completely honest-I just 'know' that....Jamie is only completely honest when you have the total goods and proof on him and he knows you have the total goods.

Now that I have been completely negative....there is a difference. Something has started, something is different....people that he creeped out before, are sensing it, seeing a change where they don't find him repulsive and they think he might actually be starting to be real and are even enjoying him as a person. He didn't give me his soliloquy today. And when we prayed tonight, he was actually...truely...there was actual real humility before God!!!!!!! Not an act, but a real humbleness and gratitude and sincerity. Is he safe? Not by a long shot. If it is of God, it will last.

It just makes me feel like I am nuts having anything to do with him when he shows the 'cracks' in the new veneer and the old insanity I fought so, so, so hard to get free from. I don't want anything to do with insanity again!

GTG. Haven't been able to get through one whole sentence in this without interruption, so hope it makes sense!

Jan

 

Joelandkathy@aol.com wrote:

Hi Jan,

Glad to hear from you. We were on the road for ten days with a seminar and some personal enjoyment.. we leave for Africa on October 10 and will be gone for a month!

Be sure to talk to Jamie about this: He still wants to blame his former mentors, he just didn't get the right mentoring...trust me, they had no idea what he was really doing, they were basing their advise on his story, and there is no way they ever would have approved the lies and the mistresses. or recognized that was the real truth behind the stories they were hearing.

The part about them basing their advice on his story.. that is important for Jamie to own up to...

So now he is being this amazing, selfless, giving, considerate man, who would 'die for us' and wants his family back and is so sorry and so wrong,

We will let you know when we think that the internal change has happened enough that he will actually maintain being the new man in a restored family/marriage. Then you can decided for yourself if the change is complete enough.

I think if I told him to come home, all was forgiven and ok, he would be excited at first and then flip out and want out again....I sure would flip out at the thought of us getting back together right now. He talks a good talk, but will it hold up? I don't know.

We agree.. he is not quite ready yet.. keep doing what you are doing. You are a master at giving him some signal of your positive response.. and then backing up emotionally so that he has to deal with his hurt feelings again. Is someone coaching you on how to do this? You are doing really well at it. As long as he has the deep feelings of pain about himself, then he is still not ready. He has to forget about his pain (since he caused it all) and focus instead on the pain that he has caused you and the kids. If you were warm and positive all the time, he would have no opportunity to reveal to us that he has still not grown past the "poor me" pain. So, just keep doing what you are doing (apparently you are just doing it naturally?) You are responding enough to let him know he is on the right track.. and then icing up just right so that he has to face his pain again. When this happens, we get to say, "This is not about you and your pain, Jamie. This is about Jan's pain and your children's pain!"

How subtle is this? Last friday, your son asked him if he would stay overnight. He decided to be the hero, by not asking you.. he did not want to put you under pressure etc. So, when he told me this, I said, "So, Jamie, it sounds to me like you made a decision again that was all about you and what you felt. Your son had a need... but YOU did not want to risk the rejection from Jan.

The way you would have handled this if it was going to be about Jan and the kids would have been to have asked Jan privately, but assure her that if she said no, that you would not let the kids know that she said no. Jan might have said no, but it would have been HER choice. Instead, you took the choice out of her hands. If she said no, you could have told the kids that you are going to sleep at the other house...

All pressure would have been off of Jan, she would not look like the bad guy... and chances are, she probably would have said "Yes"... based on the fact that you all had a nice evening together on Friday. SO JAMIE, the decision YOU made, took control out of Jan's hands, was not based on what was best for her and the kids, but was really to protect YOU from getting hurt if Jan was to reject the offer."

Jamie was like, "Man.. I blew it again, didn't I?"

These are the subtleties we are working on with Jamie. His whole life has been all about him.. and it has to become all about you and the kids. He truly cannot help it... and this is why he was the way that he was.. but he is changing.. he is definitely changing.


Jamie has kind of pushing me to tell him if there is any hope or not and all I can tell him is that if God tells me to go back, I will. He thinks I am not in love with him anymore and that is fine for him to think that. It serves no purpose at this point for him to know otherwise.

You are exactly right. If you were to tell him, "Yes, Jamie, do this for ninety more days and we can get re-married, you would stop his growth. He has to have the un surety. He is a recovering control freak.. and that is why he keeps trying to "nail you down." It is very uncomfortable for a control freak to not be in control.. but it is what he must live through to die to that part of himself.


I also get the feeling he is going to have to be willing and suffer the pain for quite a bit longer for change to be real and permanent. I really don't want to be the object of that pain.
Sorry, don't mean to ramble, but figure you might need points of reference.... short of it....something is happening...will it go full blown...is he even capable of it going full blown, I don't know. I don't get a safe read at all right now, although we have had some very good moments like we had before in the marriage.

We think that he will get a pass from us by the end of September.. but then it will probably be December before you give him your own clean bill of health.. don't give him any hints though if you are in agreement with these thoughts. He has to learn to stand in faith. He really has never developed his walk with the Lord. You could almost consider that he was never really born again. He might have had his ticket to heaven.. but as far as having any real impact on him as a man, I don't think that Jesus had much of a door into his heart.

This is forcing Jamie to develop his faith and a personal relationship with the Lord.

Spirit filled friends who have stood fast by me from the beginning of this have told me that this divorce was for a purpose-as much as God hates divorce there was no other way- and that purpose has not been accomplished yet, and I am sensing that too...I am waiting...sometimes patiently and just trusting God to work it out and let me know as He has before with other things-other times the pain is so excruciating,

We did not know that you realized this. We told Jamie that you did hear God by going through with the divorce because that is the only way that Jamie would ever change. We also told Jamie that the purpose of the divorce was not for divorce, but for restoration and permanent change. I said that this would be a hard thing for you to believe... that the purpose of the divorce was for change and restoration... that you followed God's leading in filing the divorce... and God may not have told you the "why" behind it. It is good that you knew from the beginning what the real purpose was.

Let me re-phrase that: God's purpose was two-fold: An opportunity for Jamie to grow and change and for you to be restored. On the other hand, if Jamie fails, then you had to be free of him anyway.

We are excited about the changes Jamie is going through.. and you are reading him perfectly. The change is happening, it is not complete yet, and it is not safe yet to let him relax.

The change won't be complete until after you two are re-married.. but he does have to change enough for it to be safe for you to get back together without the risk of him going back to his old ways. Not there yet... but will be.

We are sorry for your pain. We know this is excruciating for you. You are going through this pain because Jamie is changing... had he stayed the way he was, then you could have gone on and lived a divorced life... with a numb pain... and kids who would be hurt for life. Instead you are going through an excruciating pain as you are coming back to the reality that you and Jamie are probably going to be re-married... this pain is horrible... but temporary.. and your kids are going to be much better off in the long run for getting back together.

Your pain is not your fault at all.. it is all Jamie's fault. He is starting to understand this. "Jamie, you inflicted your pain on yourself.. and you also inflicted the pain that Jan is going through onto her. You made choices that resulted in your pain. Jan and your kids had no choice. They are victims. You have to quit looking at your pain, which is selfish, because it is self inflicted... and focus on bringing healing to your children and your wife."

Paul Hegstrom said to his wife: "I am dedicating the rest of my life to making up to you and the kids for all of the pain that I caused you."

This has to be Jamie's attitude.

You are doing great.. keep it up!

Blessings,

Joel and Kathy


More From Jan, Jamie's wife:

Hi guys! Wow, that was fast! Where are you going in Africa? sorry it took me so long to get back from your previous e-mail. I have precious little time on this computer.

End of September!!!! Yikes!!! the thought scares me to death and is just absolutely inconceivable to me. And I must tell you, I have had the impression from the first 'no going back', and that if I did, he would 'kill me' -not physically, but emotionally/spiritually. I feel really conflicted having anything to do with this treatment and him-like I am dis-obeying God and just prolonging the agony instead of making a 'clean surgery' of it. God is preparing me for something as well. I know this was also to set me free to worship Him unrestrained, and teach me to worship and hear Him clearly whether in the worst of circumstances and the best. If I am doing this thing right at all, it is only because I have some how been able to get out of the way enough to bumblingly let God handle it. And God has put awesome, Spirit-filled people-mentors, prayer warriors, prophets, in my path that hear Him clearly when I have way too much static going on.

'Bout the mentors, I've told him over and over that they had no idea what the real story was and that no matter how mis-guided their methodology might have been, they would never, ever, have approved the lies or the adultery.

"I am dedicating the rest of my life to making up to you and the kids for all of the pain that I caused you."-well he only says that every single time he screws around - so that pretty much means absolutely nothing.....

I still remain open to God's leading and will do as He says.


Thank you for all your support and encouragement.
In His Love,
Jan :o)

 

Would you like to find a place online where you can get help and marriage mentoring on an ongoing basis - for freeWould you like to be able to "look over the shoulder" and into the lives of other couples who are getting help for their marriages?
Check out Joel and Kathy's Marriage Forum at:
www.JoelandKathy.com/boards/


Joelandkathy@aol.com wrote:
Hi Again Jan!

Just to assure you and take away and stress about September.. the end of September is when we think Jamie will be ready to be a great husband and not backslide.. however, that does not mean that YOU will be ready... and you do not need to feel any pressure about that.

Our feeling is that if Jamie continues on this track, that you will feel safe by December. Until YOU feel safe, loved, cherished and secure, then you do not need to do anything! This is not about what you "should" do.. don't let anyone put that on you. If Jamie continues to change, God will put a "want to" in your heart.

So, don't feel any pressure to open your heart to him too soon. Just let God lead your heart. No one is pressuring you to move quickly... and for right now, we have not given you the "word" that we think it is safe yet anyway...

Did Jamie really say this before the divorce when he messed up? "I am dedicating the rest of my life to making up to you and the kids for all of the pain that I caused you."

The proof in the pudding is if he does it though, anyway. One of the things that men like Jamie have to learn is that their wives are not obligated to believe their words. They usually want their wives to "trust" their words.. without any proof of their sincerity... and of course, in the beginning, they are not sincere at all. If they are sincere, they are not mature enough to maintain the sincerity if they get back with their wives too soon. Some wives let the husbands come back too soon... and some wives harden their hearts and never let a restoration happen. Neither of those are right.

You are doing great. Right now would be too soon.. and you know that... and your emotions would not be ready for a restoration yet anyway... yet you are open to God bringing healing to you if Jamie stays the course and wins your trust.

We are going to Johannesburg, Pretoria and Sosanguve.

Do you know why you felt that Jamie could kill you emotionally and mentally? Because a husband can do that if they are a lousy husband. Headship has nothing to do with authority as many believe and teach.. it has to do with being a source of life (or death) to a wife. We teach on this in our DVD seminar. You might watch it sometime. I am sure Jamie has a copy of the DVD set.. it will clarify a LOT of things to you.

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy

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